by Sarah L. Bryant

_________________________________________ This month, KBR is hosting an “Encourage Your Siblings Challenge.” Throughout April, we are posting one article each week by big sisters, who will share encouragement and ideas for how to bless the younger siblings in our lives. We would love to hear your ideas as well – feel free to comment. Feel free to tell your friends about this challenge and encourage them to join you as you “Encourage Your Siblings”! _________________________________________

 “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
{Proverbs 17:17}

Dear Genevieve,

Greetings to you on this lovely spring afternoon! I am enjoying the breezy spring  weather on our front porch, as I reply to your thoughtful letter. It is always a blessing to hear what the Lord is teaching you. I am so happy to hear what you shared about your relationship with your siblings and yes, even the struggles that you’ve faced. Even these difficulties have been put in our lives, as opportunities to show patience and love to our siblings. You sounded a bit discouraged about the struggles you’ve faced lately as an big sister, but I want to encourage you that having strong relationships with your siblings is so worth the effort.

Honestly, the Lord has been working in my own life about my sibling relationships, too. You might think that when you get older, you won’t struggle with something as “simple” as this — I certainly thought that when I was fourteen! Let me tell you, that at age 22, I still face the daily choice of whether I will diligently cultivate these relationships God has placed in my life. Whether I will continue to build these relationships that God has given me into strong friendships that will last throughout the difficulties and seasons of our futures. Whether I will forgive wrongs…be patient with shortcomings…and admit my own sins before them.

You see, we never reach a place in any relationship where there are no more struggles to overcome. Relationships require constant work and humility. We will have to work at every relationship we have throughout our entire lifetime, whether it is with our siblings, parents, spouse, children, friends, or church, because we are dealing with sinners—and we are sinners ourselves! The sin that remains in us causes friction, disagreements, and failures; and of course, God uses this in our sibling relationships to refine us. This is a training ground for bigger things ahead that we will face. Realizing that these struggles are actually opportunities to “be Christ” to others, is a big key to building lasting, Christ-honoring relationships. As Christians, these very difficulties give us a beautiful chance to forgive, show grace, and walk in love as Christ has called us.

“Walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us,
and hath given himself for us an offering and
a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.”
{Ephesians 5:2}

It is encouraging to know that relationship struggles actually sanctify us. Also, as I realize that these things are not caused by my circumstances, but rather spring from my (and other’s) own sinful heart, I know then that I will face these struggles wherever I go in life. This challenges me to face them head-on, instead of dodging the uncomfortableness. If I thought, “Well, it’s just MY siblings. If they were not so annoying, I would actually be really patient!” or “I don’t have to really work on being a more loving sister, because I am sure it will be easy to love my own children and I won’t struggle with this as a mom,” or “No need to try to learn to communicate better with my brother—I won’t have this problem with my own husband. It’ll always come natural to talk with him about everything — so why try so hard with my brothers?” — then it would be easy to just try to “get along” in my relationships now and put off the struggles. However, if we as daughters put off areas of weakness that the Lord is trying to point out to us through our family relationships, rest assured that we will face the exact same struggles as wives and mothers. We need to be diligent to strive toward the mark Christ has called us to—today!

You shared that you are not sure how to be better friends with your little sisters since they have different interests than you. This is not unusual; most siblings do have different interests, talents, and personalities, but it is not an excuse to “not have a good relationship.” This diversity actually adds to the beauty of the family unit. If we learn to work alongside our brothers and sisters in their unique interests and gifts, we as a group can actually accomplish much more for the Kingdom of God than we could individually, because when we work together with love and patience, these gifts can bless many (and show the world how God-honoring siblings can work together). We can lay aside our pride, as the older sister, and recognize our siblings’ strengths and knowledge, and learn from them and work together.

While you do have differences in your siblings, remember all that you have in common!  You have the same parents, upbringing, life experiences, similar tastes, environment—and you are united by common blood. My siblings will always be closer to each other in this sense, than we will be to any other human on earth. What a blessing! So, you might think that your brother or sister is so different from you, that you can’t be best friends—but that simply is not true. God has given much room for diversity among siblings, and this is a blessing—not something that should cause us to drift apart. It sharpens us because we learn to deal with the different personalities and characteristics in one another.

My sister and I are seven years apart, and have very different interests and personalities, but we are closely bound and are truly best friends. It has not always been that way—if you are struggling in your relationship with your sister right now, do not feel like it is a hopeless vision for you. In fact, several years ago, I thought it would never be true for my sister and I; our differences, age gap, and misunderstandings seemed to hinder a close relationship. However, the Lord has worked in our lives as we have sought Him, and bound us through kindred fellowship, because we both love the Lord and His Word. Christ must be at the root of a lasting friendship, and I praise the Lord that this is so in our relationship. This is the bond that is stronger than any conflicts or differences we might have. As we have grown, we have developed a strong friendship and interest in one another’s interests; we love to talk and work together.

Like any relationship, a sister relationship requires sacrifice—and we must initiate it (not wait for the other party to do it). If your little sister loves to play with dolls and you would rather cross stitch, you need to sacrifice your own pleasure to spend some special time with her. Being willing to lay aside our time to be together and talk—even if we have something we think we “need to do”—goes a long way in building a friendship with our siblings. I struggle with this and have been trying to remember that someone in my life is more important than that something that I need to do. My siblings have souls that need to be watered with love (read Luke 10:40-42). A few extra minutes spent with my sibling will not cost much, but can mean a world to them. Show interest in them and make an effort to have a fun time together. Maybe you could suggest a special afternoon tea party with your little sisters, and ask them to help you make some scones and tea, decorate together, dress up in matching outfits…having fun talking and laughing together as you do so. Make it a special and fun time for them. It will only take you a few hours but will light up their whole week.

Although sibling relationships can require work and sacrifice, it can also be fun—we just need to be creative about ways to spend time together and show love. Little hearts are eager to soak up big sister’s love and are eager to love back in return—and to forgive wrongs.

Dear Genevieve, don’t think you are the only one facing these kind of struggles. Being a big sister can be difficult, but such an important and blessed role. Do not grow weary wherever you find yourself in your sibling relationships. Keep pressing on, day by day; be faithful and slowly, yes, slowly, progress will be made. There are times when the going is very difficult. Remember when you are struggling the most that God is trying to teach you something important. At one time recently, I felt very discouraged about the difficulties I was facing. However, the Lord then showed me an area in my life that was a block to the growth I was striving toward. He showed me my own pride, which hindered a positive response from my siblings.

For example, I must be willing to humble myself, admit and apologize when I am wrong (not try to act like I am perfect), and show that I want to try to do right and build a stronger relationship with them despite my failures, before I expect any growth to come. If I will not lay down my ideas, take a true interest in the lives of my siblings (at the cost of laying aside my own), and show sacrificial love—then they only see pride and selfish ambitions in my life. They must see me lay down myself, for 1 Corinthians 13 says this is true love. This will help develop trust and friendship.

Actually, in your letter you asked how we as big sisters should take advice and rebukes from our little siblings, and this goes hand in hand. The reason it is so hard for us to take a correction from our siblings is because of our pride. If we will not humble ourselves, how can we expect our siblings to listen to us? Little eyes are quick to pick up these inconsistencies. They will eventually pick up on the lack of humility in our lives, which can make them resentful of us, especially if we are hypocritical about living how “we preach.” It’s not going to hurt us to listen to a suggestion from a little brother (even if we do not think it is the best option) to show him love and respect. It’s really not that hard to receive correction from them—we just have to swallow that pride! And it is good to admit we are “wrong”—we don’t always have to have it “all together.” After all, we are just as imperfect as our siblings! Matthew 23:12 says, “Whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.”

Genevieve, we are not promised another day with our siblings. Let us not regret how we spent the days God has given us together. James 4:14 minds us, “For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.”  What a blessing it would be for us to look back and say, in the years to come, that by God’s grace, we strove to establish relationships with our siblings that encouraged beautiful fruit of godliness in their lives as Christian adults. Our resolution to this goal is daily tested—but we must strive, by God’s grace, to become best friends—friends that stick together through all the changes and storms of life! I will be praying for you and look forward to hearing how God is working in your family relationships in your next letter. Keep pressing on, sister in Christ! ♥

With His love,
Sarah Lee

P.S. You can also read this article written last year by Sarah, which contains more practical ideas for how to encourage and invest in our siblings.
This is an encouraging article about the influence of sisters written by Timothy Arthur.

Feel free to tell your friends about this challenge and encourage them to join you as you “Encourage Your Siblings”!

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